(SPECIAL POST PREVIEW) National-Report Colombian Top 25 Review (Part 1 - #25 & #24) - Week of June 17 to June 23, 2016

PLEASE NOTE: Since I have a packed schedule I only have time to write two of these Colombian track reviews. The rest should be written and up by around three days.

Hi everyone and welcome back to Some Random Pop Nerd, where we take a look at the popular music of the past and present. Today, for this very special post I am excited to bring you a taste of pop music from my country of ethnicity, Colombia since I will be going for a 2-month family visit there in a couple weeks. Much like Billboard, Colombia uses the weekly National-Report charts which are published every Friday to average out the current popularity of each song. t\There also exist individual genre and English language charts, though only the Top 25 songs of the national chart and the Top 5 individual genre songs are released to the public unless you are a subscriber or if you use the mobile app. The chart we will be looking at is the National Top 25, which mostly comprises of Spanish-language Reggaeton songs. By the way, these songs will be scored using the same scale as the individual song reviews, but without me individually talking about the three major components of the song (Production, lyrics, and vocals) and instead combining my thoughts. Before we get started, I will provide links to both the English and Spanish versions of the lyrics for each songs on the original and translated titles of the songs (I do apologize in advance if I can't provide English-translated lyrics to some of these songs). Also, here is the link to the chart I will be reviewing: http://national-report.com/nacionalColombia.php

Now that that's out of the way, let's begin!

#25: Bailame Despacio (Dance Slowly With Me) - Xantos feautring Dynell: Relatively new to the Colombian Reggaeton scene, Xantos (good luck finding much information on him) made his breakthrough with this single, "Bailame Despacio", and how is it? Well, for one I do like the production, which incorporates an acoustic guitar lick that when combined with the thumping bass and the moog synthesizer creates a Summery reggae vibe. I feel like the production adds a lot of charisma to the song, helping the balance with Xantos' autotuned vocals that actually have some personality to them. As for the lyrical content, Dynell's verses and Xantos' chorus differ, with the chorus expressing the sentiment of taking the time to enjoy the company of one another in a romantic relationship. However, Dynell's verses completely miss the point of the song, with him delivering mediocre and interchangeable lines about trying to get into a girl's pants and getting her to shake her ass for him. It doesn't help that Dynell has no real charisma to back him up, with these lines sounding more bored than enthusiastic about the subject matter unlike Lil Jon, who always sounded like he was having a fun time. Also this lyric:

Pamela llegó tu Tommy Lee 

superentrenada así que traeme todo eso aquí

TR: Hey Pamela I'm your Tommy Lee

I hope this'll make you bring it over to me

Okay guys, if you feel the need to explain your pickup line, chances are that it's not really charismatic or convincing. Despite Dynell's charisma-lacking and mediocre verses, I can definitely bump to this track. It gets a 3.5/5.

#24: Duele El Corazon (The Heart Hurts) - Enrique Iglesias featuring Wisin: It's been a while since I last heard from Enrique Iglesias in the mainstream. His last major hit from 2014 "Bailando" left a positive impression on me, as I hoped he would stick to his Latin roots rather than his grating English-language pop career. Fast forward to 2016, where he drops "Duele El Corazon", reportedly the lead-off single from an upcoming album. Thankfully, this song for me is a prime example as to why Enrique should stick to his Latin roots. Rollicking acoustic and blues guitar licks, jumpy synths, thumping bass drums, and Enrique's trademark charisma perfectly capture the atmosphere of a vallenato-reggae fusion track. While the lyrics could be interpreted to fall in the "I'm a douche so I will steal your girl" category, Enrique actually gives the girl a choice to either leave or go with him if she decides her man is not sufficiently supportive of her. Wisin's charismatic and energetic rap verse also supports this despite the first couple of lines seeming forceful. Despite some lyrical flaws, this song gets a 4.5/5 from me.

New Hot 100 Entry Review (Shawn Mendes - Treat You Better)

Please Note: What I am about to write are my opinions on a certain song I heard. If you disagree with them, that's totally fine.

Welcome back to Some Random Pop Nerd where we take a look at the popular music of the past and present. Today, I would like to introduce another segment called "New Entry Impressions", in which I pick out some newly charting songs I want to express my thoughts in depth on. Today on the table, we have "Treat You Better" by Shawn Mendes, which debuted on the Billboard Hot 100 at position #34 as of this writing.

If any of you follow teen pop or the mainstream charts, you would know that Canadian singer Shawn Mendes managed to snag a few hits with "Stitches" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer". Shawn Mendes was one of the many people pampered to replace Justin Bieber in his place as a famous teen idol.

Artist Impressions: What did I think of Shawn Mendes beforehand? To be honest, I thought that like some of these teen idol performers, Shawn Mendes had a lot of potential to undergo a decent career producing satisfactory material. I really liked his celebration anthem "Something Big", which sadly never became a huge hit in the American mainstream. However, when he released "Stitches" into the American mainstream, I initially thought it was a good enough song, but it wore off on me once I examined the Bieber undertones in the writing and the somewhat awkward production, balancing the acoustic guitar with the mandolin and Shawn's somewhat grating vocals. (I don't think it's bad, just pretty mediocre) His duet with Fifth Harmony singer Camilla Cabello "I Know What You Did Last Summer" also hit the airwaves, and I really disliked it for having oversaturated production and weak performances from both singers, as I felt the song had a lot of potential due to it's lyrics that depict a relationship from both perspectives. Needless to say, I was somewhat worried when I found out he released his new single, "Treat You Better". What do I think of it?

In all my days of reviewing and analyzing music, I had rarely come across something as utterly reprehensible as "Treat You Better". Imagine subtle Chris Brown levels of douchebaggery that he demonstrates in songs such as "Loyal" slathered with overly synthetic production and grating vocals. Those are my perceptions of the song itself.

The Production: Like I stated before, I think the production is an overly synthetic mess. To start, there are synthesizer keys substituting for guitars throughout the song. This bothers me especially as I can clearly hear the sound of a guitar creaking in the background. What happened, couldn't you afford an acoustic guitar? The percussion is also a wreck, with the reverb on the snare drums watering down every other element except the guitar and vocals, making it sound like a cluttered mess with the sound quality of a 128kbps mp3. The stereo panning of some of the percussion also turns me off, with elements such as the delayed snares giving off the vibe that the stereo expander was applied to it, making it sound very out of place to me. This is the kind of production that always irritates me in modern pop music, with the musical elements of the song being congealed into one giant disorganized mess. This production gets a 0.5/5.

The Lyrics: Oooh boy, these lyrics are a goddamn trainwreck. Shawn tries to frame the situation as if the girl he approaches is having an abusive relationship with her boyfriend, but instead, like I stated before, the subtle Chris Brown levels of douchebaggery were too much to ignore for me. We are just told that Shawn approaches the girl because he wants to "treat her better". For one, this screams of the typical 'steal your girl' cliche in some brag-rap songs sugarcoated to subtlety so that Mendes' fans would eat it up anyway, as he never made it clear for what reason he approaches the girl despite framing it like I stated above. The lines "Tell me why are we wasting time and all on your wasted crime when you should be with me instead" and "Baby, just to wake up with you would be everything I need and this could be so different. Tell me what you want to do" drive this point home, as they reek of desperation to get into this girl's pants. To further drive the point home, the rest of these lyrics only consist of the cliched trope of "Be with me instead of him" in romance songs with no new spin added to them, leading me to believe that he's just reciting a romance poem he found in a guidebook as a way to capture her attention. The asinine quality of these lyrics mean they get a 0/5.

The Vocals: Oh Christ, the vocals. Remember how I stated Mendes' vocals could get somewhat grating in "Stitches"? Well he pushes it to the absolute limit here, to the point where he also hits some off notes that make his voice crack. However, compared to how the vocals play off the lyrics, that's only the least of my worries. In the verses, Shawn's vocals are very weak and unconvincing, with him sticking to his lower range but without any of the energy that made "Something Big" enjoyable. However, it's the choruses and the bridge that push me to my limit, as instead of coming off as sympathetic like the song intended to, Mendes' vocals reek of fretfulness and unbearable desperation as he sticks to his more grating high vocal range. This reminds me of Simple Plan's wailing attempt at "pop-punk", where they came off as more whiny than sympathetic. These vocals receive a 0.5/5.

Overall Thoughts: In conclusion, I think this song is a trainwreck from top to bottom. When the whiny vocals are combined with the demeaning lyrics and the atrociously mixed production, it makes for one giant shitfest of a song. This is Shawn Mendes' worst single to date, where his lyrical content crosses over to Sam Hunt levels of disgust and WGWAG douchebag territory. If this becomes a bigger hit, it is a huge contender for my Worst Hit Songs of 2016 list. This song as a whole receives a 0.33/5.

I'm Some Random Pop Nerd, giving my thoughts on pop music as constructively as possible. Until next time, peace!

Meghan Trainor - "No" Song Review

PLEASE NOTE: These are just my opinions and I have no intent to force them on anyone. If you disagree with any of my opinions, that's completely fine.

Hi everyone. Welcome back to my blog, where I review and recollect my thoughts on modern pop music (mostly). Today, I present to you my first individual song review. For these reviews, I will present a new grading system to depart from my incomplete Top 40 review in which I average out my thoughts on the lyrics, the instrumentation, and overall vocal performance to give it an overall score after reviewing each element individually. Here is how the songs will be rated when given a certain score using The Double Agent's scale (as shown below):

Awful Song (0/5) - A song that has barely if any redeeming qualities and one I feel is awful in my opinion.

Bad Song (1/5) - A song that I feel has extremely few redeeming qualities, although most of its factors at least don't stretch far into the awfulness of the shit tier.

Mediocre Song (2/5) - A song I would tolerate, but one I would never come back to due to the less-than-average performance of most if not all of the song's factors.

Decent Song (3/5) - A song I would actively defend, as I find most if not all of its qualities to be at least satisfactory enough for me to handle it through an entire listen. I still wouldn't actively seek these songs out most of the time though.

Good Song (4/5) - A song I will actively seek out as I feel the song's elements execute its intention well. To me, it still has some flaws that prevent it from being a great song.

Great Song (5/5) - A song I actively enjoy and will remember when I look back on the year the song was released. These songs have a special place in my heart and have the honor of making my heavy rotation playlists.

Now that the requirements and overview have been cleared, let's get on with the review!

No by Meghan Trainor

Where do I even begin with this song? This is a huge contender for the worst song of 2016 for me. Nearly everything about this song infuriates me to no possible end. To get a glimpse on why I feel this song is an abomination, we need to break down the song's major elements.

The Production: This is another example of Meghan's failed attempts at retro pandering. While I do understand it tried to emulate the iconic 90's pop sound used by artists like Britney Spears and NSYNC, the execution turns out to be a trainwreck for me. To start, the guitars in this track sound processed as hell to the point where they are one of the main elements that ignite my hatred of the song. The guitar lines during the verses sound extremely generic and corporate, with the distortion filter being piled on top of each streak. However, it's the alarm-like mixing of the guitars in the chorus that infuriate me to no end with them being a major annoyance especially when combined with whistle-like synths, feeling like they were added last minute as they are very present in the mix. As for the percussion, with the exception of some bass drum machines, bells, and snaps, it is basically a non-presence in the song, with most of the focus being on Meghan's voice and not on the instrumental elements. I feel like snare drums should definitely have been added to make the song more complete. To sum up the production, it feels overproduced yet unfinished. For that, it receives a 0.5/5 from me.

The Lyrics: This is where the main problem of the song kicks in for me. Just like Dear Future Husband and All About That Bass, the lyrics twist an important message and turn the subject matter into a butchered moral. At the beginning of the song, she insults the man who tries to approach her. The problem is that the man in question is never perceived to be someone who is mean, and instead it's framed as if he just wants to get Meghan's attention and approach her normally, so Meghan's attitude in the introduction comes off as mean-spirited. While I understand rejecting a person with no shame, the way I see Meghan's perspective is that she takes it to levels of stupidity when following up with the "My name is No" chorus, which she uses to downright humiliate the man in question. Meghan later becomes even more cynical in the verses, believing that the man is purely motivated by the self-interest of getting into her pants, as evidenced by the line "I don't need your hands all over me". What is even more infuriating to me is the pre-chorus, where she gives off vibes of manipulation by addressing other women to directly reject any man that comes across them by ridiculing him with the mindset that he is only approaching them to get into their pants. When it comes to the lyrics, they receive a 0/5.

The Vocals: Let me state that I feel Meghan Trainor has a lot of potential going in a more soulful direction in her music. Her hit song from 2015, "Like I'm Gonna Lose You" with John Legend proved to me that she has the raw pipes needed to carry a soulful number with great intensity and emotion, as she and John Legend's voices blended seamlessly to me on that track. However, a main problem I frequently have with Meghan Trainor is that she does not know how to use her vocals properly in my eyes. For example, in "All About That Bass", she sings the chorus and raps using her irritating nasal voice, which really turns me off as it comes off to me like she is trying too hard to fit in with the Hip-Hop demographic. This problem is extremely present in "No", where with the exception of the introduction and the outro she uses her nasal voice which to me is a major factor of the negative charisma she gives off in some of her songs. Again, I understand the song's attempted venture into 90's pop, but her performance is really distracting in a demeaning fashion, making the song feel like a mix of sounds from two different time periods that shouldn't work together. As many others have stated, one of the only moments in this song where she captures that 90's flair is the "Untouchable" outro. However, it just comes off as an odd addition to the song to me when combined with the personally abysmal chorus and verses. The vocals in this song receive a 1/5.

Overall Thoughts: I feel like this song is another example of Meghan Trainor wasting her potential on the shameless retro-pandering with botched morals she is notorious for. Her nasal vocals combined with the cynical lyrics give off impressions of negative charisma to me throughout the song, especially when concerning the manipulative pre-chorus. The production is a cluttered mess, with minimal percussion and processed guitars that make the song feel overproduced yet incomplete at the same time. This is one of those songs that I genuinely cringe at the thought of listening to due to the poor execution of the elements described above. For me, this song as a whole receives a 0.5/5.

I'm Some Random Pop Nerd, giving my opinions on modern music as constructively as possible. Until then, peace!