Billboard Top 20 Hot Country Songs (Week of October 22, 2016) Ranking/Review

Welcome back to my blog, Some Random Pop Nerd, where we take a look at the popular music of the past and present! Wow, it's been a while since I last posted, isn't it? Summer vacation is over, and the new school year is in session for many people across the world. Overall, the transition has been so goddamn stressful, and I can't wait until school ends again. Getting back to the topic at hand, around a week ago, I posted up a poll on twitter (which btw is @randompopnerd) on what my next post should be, so let's take a look at the results!!!!!

*sigh* FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Guys, I'm not looking forward to this, I really am not. Now admittedly, I don't have much experience with country music, so you might wanna take my opinions with a grain of salt. However, from what I heard of the country music popular on the charts, I think a good chunk of it is either mediocre or it blows hard, with very few exceptions. For example, on one end of the spectrum, there's "Mama's Broken Heart" by Miranda Lambert, a song which I personally think is one of the best hits of 2013 and shows genuine emotion and effort in the performance, lyrics, and production. However, on the other side of the spectrum, you have extremely generic, charmless, and fabricated shit like "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line, which embodies the Bro-Country genre that came to plague country music soon after its release in 2012. Since that wave died around a year ago, I tried to be optimistic about the country charts this time, but holy shit does some of this stuff blow. Without further ado, prepare your cyanide pills as you venture with me in the mediocre hell that is the country charts, starting with......

THE SHIT TIER (0/5)

#20: Blue Ain't Your Color by Keith Urban

*large sigh* Now look, I've heard lots of praise surrounding Keith Urban, such as his humility and charisma which made him a breath of fresh air in popular country to many. For some reason, I couldn't find the time to explore Keith Urban's music, so once again, take my opinion with a grain of salt. As I was scrolling through the country charts, I was tempted to check out this song, and what did I find?
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FUCKTHISSONGFUCKTHISSONGFUCKTHISSONGFUCKTHISSONGFUCKTHISSONGFUCKTHISSONGGAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHUHU#*$FH(INCJ NECUINCNJSJJCJNCJERROR404

(boi calm down)

*trying to relieve myself* oo... okay..... Where to fucking begin?????? I guess we should start with the most tolerable element of the song, which is the production. It's soooooo fucking abysmal, with the melody trying to resemble waltz songs and failing miserably at it, the atrociously cheap drum machine with its extremely dull bass drums, snares, and whoosing effects, and do I even have to mention the extremely cheap keys trying to resemble strings and that 'vintage-style' guitar that comes in haphazardly and tries to help the song pass itself as country? Then we have Keith Urban himself, who does sound decent vocally and does earnestly sell the emotion of the song, but the reason I feel the production is the most tolerable element of the song and not the vocals is because OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING LYRICS!! Keith's vocal performance becomes unbearable once you understand the meaning of these asinine lyrics, since it indicates that he stands by the following immoral premise. Basically, the premise of these lyrics is that Keith sees a lonely girl in a bar and decides to hit on her DESPITE THE GODDAMN FACT THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER AND HAVING THE ASSUMPTION THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!!!!!! Seriously, look at this chorus and try to tell me that Keith isn't trying to convince this woman to dump her boyfriend for her!!!

Blue looks good on the sky

Looks good on that neon buzzin’ on the wall

But darling, it don’t match your eyes

I’m tellin’ you

You don’t need that guy

It’s so black and white

He’s stealin’ your thunder

Baby, blue ain’t your color

Okay, okay OKAY HERE!!!! In this chorus, Keith flat out insults this girl's appearance and tries to convince her to dump her boyfriend. Fucking wonderful. However, what really pisses me off are these lines in the second verse:

I’m not trying to be another just

Pick you up kinda guy

Tryna drink you up

Tryna take you home

...and then stating this in the outro:

Come here baby, let me light up your world

Dude. You just convinced this girl to dump her boyfriend, you're trying to impress her by seemingly contradicting yourself by stating that you aren't like the other douchebags, and at the end you try to force this woman onto you by hypocritically stating that you could treat her better.
WHATTHEACTUALFUCKISTHISSHIT!!!!!! I haven't heard lyrics this asinine ever since Shawn Mendes' "Treat You Better"! Do you know what the sad part is? The song's aforementioned drunken sentiment could have had the potential to spark some well-constructed songwriting, maybe potentially building up to a situation where Keith suddenly realizes his mistakes and sobers up again. However, as is, this is the type of corporate pandering shit that's made to swoon over women, and this shit gets a well deserved spot in the bottom of my shit tier. I can only hope that this shit doesn't become a crossover hit in 2017, because if it does, it has a spot solidified on my worst list for next year. NEXT!!!!!!!

#19: I Know Somebody By LoCash

Who here remembers LoCash's other hit from the 2015 Billboard chart year, "I Love This Life"?
*crickets* *crickets*

Huh, nobody? Neither do I, since these guys are basically a flash-in-the-pan pop "country" duo who I don't see being remembered in the future. Anyway, onto this song. It's absolute garbage, with extremely sterile and ultra-processed production. To me, this song is the ultimate representation of radio pandering and blandness in country music, as the lyrics are basically your generic anthem about picking up a girl (with the singers describing themselves in third-person perspective as that 'somebody), the charisma-lacking vocals are slathered in autotune (especially in the chorus), the production is as cluttered as ever with emphasis on percussion over melody, a sterile drum machine with claps, and repetitive guitar melodies all over the place that just make for one giant clusterfuck of a song that sounds like a very low quality mp3 file. Overall, I really don't have much to say since this is basically just bland radio filler intended for the masses. NEXT!!!!

Looks like we move on to....

THE BAD TIER (1/5)

#18: Move by Luke Bryan

So Luke Bryan has another country hit. Now let me state for the record that I'm not really a fan of Luke Bryan. Although I love Drink A Beer (which I feel is a very sentimental and emotionally powerful song about the loss of a loved one), from what I heard of Luke Bryan's other singles, they were just pandering as hell. For example, "That's My Kind of Night" hopped on the bro-country trend in a very obnoxious way, and "Kick The Dust Up" was basically an all-out generic shitfest, with cliched lyrics and sterile production that made it a contender for my personal list of the worst hit songs of 2015. Now, a year has passed since then, and Luke Bryan's other hit single "Huntin, Fishin, & Lovin' Everyday" was decent enough. However, when I saw that Luke Bryan's current single was titled "Move", I became very worried that Luke Bryan would make another "Country Girl (Shake It For Me)", and I was right. The lyrics are basically the same shit, as Luke Bryan throws around cringingly awful pick-up lines such as "Your mama packed y'all up and moved you to the south" to seduce a girl into shaking her ass for him. The production is a complete fucking disaster, with that oh-so triggering drum machine prevalent throughout that entire song badly mixed with a clusterfuck of guitars that try to remotely pass as country. I swear, the mixing of this song creates clearly audible distortion in my headphones that makes my head fucking nauseous! The only good merit I can say about this song is that Luke Bryan is a decent enough singer, but other than that, this is your typical bro-country anthem about sleazy seduction. NEXT!!!!

#17: Rock On by Tucker Beathard

So apparently, one of the newest acts in modern mainstream country is Tucker Beathard. No, I'm not fucking kidding, that's his name. I could go on about how his name makes him sound like a pornstar but we need to get to how this guy reached around the record executives to make it in mainstream country radio. Now the first thing you might notice about this song is HOW GRATING TUCKER'S VOICE IS!!!! I swear, this dude has the vocal pipes of a castrated tortoise who's entering the ninth layer of hell! As for the lyrics.... I haven't seen lyrics this pissy ever since We Don't Talk Anymore, and wow it shows! Now, I get the sentiment of missing your girlfriend who left to pursue a career, but Jesus Christ dude you didn't have to flat-out insult this girl for changing her lifestyle! I mean, in the first verse Tucker states that he misses his girlfriend wholeheartedly, but wow TALK ABOUT WHIPLASH IN THE GODDAMN CHORUS WHERE TUCKER FLAT-OUT TELLS THIS GIRL TO MOVE ON!!! This sort of pissiness becomes especially apparent in the lines:

Yeah, I do a lotta thinking about wanting you back
But I don't know about all dolled up like that
If my homegrown country girl's long gone
Then baby rock on, rock on

WAY TO FUCKING BREAK THE EMOTION OF THE SONG YOU ASSHOLE! I swear, these lyrics just make me extremely nauseous, especially combined with the disgusting vocal performance. Now as for the production, I guess it's alright, and those guitars sound passable but HOLY FUCK DRUM MACHINES AND SYNTHESIZERS IN COUNTRY SONGS TRIGGER ME!!! Actually, no, wait! Why is this in the country charts at all?? This shit is basically post-grunge and there's no hint of country in this song at all. You know what? I'm just gonna move on before I write an essay on how un-country this song is. NEXT!!!!!

#16: H.O.L.Y. - Florida Georgia Line

Zzzzzz... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......... Huh? What?!! Oh my God this song is so goddamn boring. Let's start with the instrumentation, which is basically just 3 minutes of generic piano ballad chords and very little guitar to make the song sound "country". In other words, the instrumentation is your typical  pop piano ballad made to fill the charts. As for the vocals, well they are audible, but there's not much to them beside the slight country twang and the irritating processing on the chorus, and they sure as hell aren't selling the emotion. However, by far the worst part about this song is the lyrics, where at first seem like your typical ballad about how a random girl somehow became these guys' saving grace, but then you get to the chorus..... Dear God, this chorus is just grrrooooooooossssss!! Seriously, high on loving you??? Just the very fact that these words represent the acronym HOLY in the song just sounds incredibly filthy. Oh, but we're not done yet! Just you wait until the second verse, where these guys try to coerce this girl into sex and "Get you singing babe, hallelujah". Do I even need to mention how embarrassing this verse is? It's like they found a random book in the nearest small town library about corny-ass pickup lines. This song is just boring and asinine on so many levels that I'm high on leaving this song. Yeah, I know that was a terrible joke but whatever, NEXT!!!!!

#15: Song For Another Time - Old Dominion

So after the trash heap that was "Snapback", Old Dominion are back with another single called "Song With Another Time", and I'll be honest, there's really nothing to this song. Extremely generic "country" production with that triggering drum machine, generically executed sentiment about missing a girl, and very uninspired and flat vocals. All in all, it's just a borefest of a song. So you may be asking yourselves, why did I put this in the bad tier? Well, it's because of how ungodly cheesy and cringeworthy these lyrics are, trying desperately pander to various audiences by name-dropping various songs to the point where it just sounds like monotonous hell. Yeah, I don't have much else to say. Next!

Now we move on to.....

THE MEH TIER (2/5)

If I don't have much to say about the following songs then I apologize in advance.

#14: Lovin' Lately - Big & Rich ft Tim McGraw

So, this is a song. I mean, the guitar production on this song sounds pleasant enough, especially the occasional delay licks and that decent enough mini-solo. The oh-so prevalent drum machine is there, and the vocals are pretty generic and congealed to the point where I can't tell Big, Rich, and Tim McGraw apart. The lyrics are your standard ballad about being worried that your lover is seeing someone else since she never responded to you in a long time. Yeah, again not much to say, so I'm just gonna move on.

#13: May We All - Florida Georgia Line ft Tim McGraw

So this is Florida Georgia Line's second single off their newest album, "Dig Your Roots". Well, it's certainly better than "H.O.L.Y." but not by much. Sure, I do like the guitars in the mix, especially that twangy guitar in the introduction, and FGL and Tim McGraw give off serviceable vocal performances. However, the issues I have with this song come in some of the lyrics and a production choice, that being the trap snares in the mix, which is especially prevalent and in-your face in the chorus and mini guitar solo. As for the lyrics, while I do note that FGL and McGraw are trying to call back to their country childhoods, they go off into some embarrassing tangents. For example, in the chorus, the line "Play the Travis Tritt right above the 2Pac" seems pandering as hell, as it notes that FGL is still trying to reinforce the bro-country archetype that died off more than a year ago. Also, "Buy a cold sixer with a cashed in lotto, she's smilin' with her hair blowing out the window, where you 'bout to go?". Yeah, I don't think a song about calling back to your country roots shouldn't also call back to dead trends, just sayin'. Overall, this song would have been decent if FGL just stuck to reminiscing their country roots, but as is it's just pretty mediocre at best. Next!

Again, that was pretty fast! Now we move on to....

THE DECENT TIER (3/5)

yes... there are legitimately 12 songs in this chart that I don't mind.... I have no regrets.

#12: Setting The World On Fire by Kenny Chesney ft P!nk

One of the most noted comebacks of 2016 has been that of P!nk, a pop-rock artist who was very popular in the 2000s with hit songs such as "Sober", which I love to this day. This year, she was launched back into the mainstream consciousness with her underwhelming-as-hell Top 10 soundtrack hit, "Just Like Fire", for the boring-as-hell "Alice Through The Looking Glass" movie. Judging by the popularity of her comeback single, I had a sinking feeling that she would churn out manufactured shit instead of the focused brand of pop-rock she is known for. A few months later, country artist Kenny Chesney recruited her for this collaboration single, and how did it turn out? First off, I get why she was chosen for this duet, as P!nk's vocal tones have a deep, western feel to them, which makes them suitable for country music. As for the song itself, well, it's certainly passable, I'll give it that. Kenny and P!nk's vocals sound fine as they try to pull off that reminiscing vibe and while the lyrics are pretty generic by country standards (which are basically about the times they spent together doing activities such as going to bars or getting high), at least the lyrics try to inject some enthusiasm into the subject matter. The production is okay despite the infamous drum machine noticeably splattered throughout the song and the repetitive guitar melodies in the verses, but I really like the two bursts of guitar that come after the choruses. Overall, even though I don't mind this song, it's not something I'd want to come back to anytime soon. Next.

#11: Different For Girls by Dierks Bentley ft Elle King

As the second single from Dierks Bentley's eighth studio album, "Black", Dierks Bentley brought on Elle King, who had a major hit last year with "Ex's and Ohs" for this collaborative single. Now, I've heard a lot of controversy surrounding this song, with some people in the music community saying that it relies too heavily on gender stereotypes to get its point across. Well, even though I placed this song in the decent tier, I can't say they're entirely wrong. On the one hand, I do appreciate how the lyrics juxtapose the man and woman's point of view, trying to capture how they handle the aftermath of a breakup. However, the actions depicted in the lyrics really do come across as stereotypical, as men are depicted to drown their sorrows in alcohol and sex, whereas women are depicted to have a nervous breakdown after the end of the relationship. Like how Mark Grondin of Spectrum Pulse said, if these lyrics were tacked on with perspectives on how each former romantic partner could learn to cope from their experiences, then this song might have worked in justifying that post-breakup sentiment, but as is, the song feels incomplete and disjointed. As for the vocal performances, while both Bentley and King sound decent and I do understand that they are trying to express the melancholic tone of the song, both performers end up underplaying the sentiment when they should express it in a more emotional and intriguing manner (See how Pink questions her immoral decisions and tries to find her true purpose in life in "Sober"). The production, even despite that drum machine, sounds pretty relaxed with nice liquid guitar tones and western violins to carry the melancholy mood of the song. Overall, even though I understand the melancholic mood the song is trying to carry, the vocal performances and lyrics end up somewhat underplaying it, but combined with decent production, and you have another song that while I don't mind, I won't come back to anytime soon. Next.